Donald Trump’s physician says the President is in “excellent” physical and mental condition. I want that man for my doctor.

Really. If I went to my doctor with the shape and issues that inhabit Donald Trump’s body, I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t say I was in excellent condition. Then again, if Trump — with all his (let’s be honest about this) obesity and test result problems — is in excellent condition, I must be in super excellent health. I must remind myself to congratulate my doctor for taking such remarkable care of me.

Let’s briefly go over those test results for Trump to see some o the issues they raise. First of course is the question of height. It seems Trump has managed to reverse nature and the laws of gravity by actually growing at least one inch in his 71st year. On his drivers license he was 6-2, but his doctor found he measured 6-3. Hmmmmm. If that seems peculiar, consider this: the official label of “obesity” is conferred on a man who is 6-2 and weighs 239 pounds, as Trump supposedly does. Amazingly, at 6-3 he’s one pound shy of being officially obese. Hmmmm again.

But the medications he takes may explain some other concerns. We know that he takes Crestor, a statin, for his high cholesterol (and he’s in excellent health???) and Propecia to keep from going bald (which would seem a better look than what he has presently). The side effects of using Propecia include impotence (ask Melania) and swelling of the hands (which in Trump’s case would be very desirable). It also causes some problems with dizziness and weakness (as when dealing with Putin).

But when you mix those two drugs together you discover a whole new world of side effects including (no joke; you can look it up) confusion and memory problems along with even more swelling of hands (another benefit for the small-handed Donald). So, confusion and memory problems? Like not remembering at one hour what you said the previous hour? And confusion, like … well, everything you can think of that involves Trump speaking.

So, putting all this together, I’m astonished he got rated excellent, not to mention was cognitively aware. Aware, at least, to the extent of being able to read a clock and draw a camel. What else do we need our President to do, anyway?

Oh well. I’d write some more but I’ve got to give my doctor a call and thank him again. I’m feeling pretty great right now.