Excerpts from The Trump Tapes, released here for the first time:

Undated, April 2017:
White House offices…..

President Trump: Director Comey, I want loyalty. I need loyalty. I need it like a dog needs fleas. Bigly. Can you do that for me?

Director Comey: Silence.

President Trump: Okay, then let’s stop that Russia investigation. We both know Mike Pence had nothing to do with it, don’t we?

Director Comey: Yes sir, we know Vice President Pence had nothing to do with it.

President Trump: Good. Good. Then there’s no reason to continue the investigation. Besides, Mike Flynn is a good guy and so is Jared. I’m not to sure about Eric. Sad. (Muffled words) Here, have a slice of pizza. I’ve got an extra fork.

Director Comey: Thank you, Mr. President, but I don’t care for anything to eat.

President Trump: That’s alright. How about some borscht? Er, uh, I mean, maybe a taco?

Director Comey: No sir.

President Trump: You’re doing a great job. Really really great. Better than ever. Would you like a baseball cap? (Turns to face a side door, which is open) Jared, shut that door. How many times do I have to tell you? And take Jeff with you. I’m having a private conversation about some important things.

Director Comey: Is there anything else sir?

President Trump: You’re a big guy, you know? A lot of people know I’m a big guy too, won the election. The fake news media said I could never win but I did. And I won the electoral college. Big, really big.

(Sound of door closing, then re-opening just a teeny bit)

So we’re agreed. the investigation is over and I am not part of it, right?

Director Comey: Mr. President, we do not have you as part of an open investigation.

President Trump: Well that’s great. Really great. I hope you’ll tell everyone that. Some people don’t believe that. So sad. Thanks for coming over. Let’s play some golf sometime. I’m free on weekends and most afternoons during the week.

Director Comey: Thank you sir. (Leaves)

President Trump (speaking to the side door): You hear that Jared and Jeff? No more investigation. The cloud is lifted. Let’s go play golf.

(End of Excerpt)