Let’s drink to That

Reprinted from the Keene Sentinel

Granite Staters, it seems, take the notion of quenching their thirsts very seriously. So much so that New Hampshire now leads the nation in the annual per capita consumption of alcohol. To which I say, let’s drink to that.

Which reminds me of one of the funniest bar jokes I’ve encountered lately. A fellow goes into a bar — stop me if you’ve heard this before — and asks the bartender for a free beer if he can show the bartender an amazing trick he’s never seen before. The bartender agrees, and the guy pulls out a hamster, who runs to the end of the bar, jumps on a piano and plays “Maple Leaf Rag” beautifully. The bartender is stunned and pours the free beer.

Now, the man asks for another free beer in exchange for a trick, and the bartender agrees if the trick is just as amazing. So the man pulls out a frog, who sits on the bar and offers up a beautifully sung rendition of “Yankee Doodle.” Before the song ends, another customer in the bar rushes over and offers $200 for the singing frog. The fellow agrees. The bartender is aghast. “You could have gotten millions of dollars for a singing frog. Why did you sell it so cheaply?” The man replies, “Nah, no big deal. The hamster’s a ventriloquist.”

So, you might be wondering now, exactly what does this have to do with New Hampshire’s consumption of alcohol? Well, first, I suppose it helps if you’ve had at least one beer before listening to that joke. And second, a lot of Granite Staters have already had at least one beer. The statistics from the federal Substance Abuse and Mental Services Agency — that doesn’t sound like much of a party group to me — says we put away 32.7 gallons of beer per person every year.

Now I know what you’re thinking. Gee, Bill, that’s a lot of beer, right? Well, not necessarily. In fact, it breaks down to about 350 12-ounce cans. And that’s less than one can per person per day. Why that’s scarcely putting a dent in the dry whistle, to mangle several metaphors at once.

Of course, I’m a strong advocate for responsible drinking and support without hesitation all efforts to limit the use of alcohol by those who aren’t legally entitled to use it. That said, I will admit that I am legally entitled to use it, and that I use it responsibly, so teetotalers should please find someone else to get after.

But I really do wonder why it is that we drink more than everyone else per capita-wise. And there would appear to be some pretty obvious ideas about that.

One is that New Hampshire has the lowest prices on alcohol anywhere around, so it’s not just folks who live here but those in Massachusetts, Maine and Vermont who find it easy and less costly to drink here. And remember we have arranged our liquor stores to be readily accessible to anyone from Massachusetts (or anywhere else) driving into our state. Think about it: the first thing you see along the roads into our state after the “Welcome to New Hampshire” sign is one telling you there’s a state liquor store at the next exit. Who could resist such a friendly invitation?

And let’s remember that the beauty of our state attracts a lot of visitors each year, and those visitors seem to enjoy their alcohol, whether they’re sunning at Winnipesaukee in the summer or enjoying apres-ski time at Granite Gorge or Bretton Woods.

Want another reason? Well, how about we have a lot of really good breweries in New Hampshire, and the products they turn out are very drinkable, whether basking in summer warmth or chilling out in winter.

And of course some people would declare that the cold, snowy winters — even if in the main they aren’t quite as cold and snowy as they used to be — account for a lot of the reason for serious drinking. After all, a bit of grog or something like it helps to warm the tummy and cheer the spirits when the thermometer drops well below freezing, and besides what else can you do? (There are other answers to that question, and that’s surely a subject for another column.)

Personally, I prefer summer consumption. The warm weather encourages me to bring something cold onto the porch or the yard for a refreshing break from rebuilding the side of the garage that broke off during the snowy winter while I was enjoying some warm refreshment inside. And there always seems to be some company when I step outside this time of year. Regrettably, however, they’re mostly black flies and mosquitoes. Which gives me yet another reason to pour a drink.